By HR World Editors
If you want to leave your crummy old job with a bang, you've come to the right place; this collection of tactics will have you relieved of your duties in record time. Just don't come crying when you're arrested or committed to a nuthouse.
Pranks
Pull these pranks, and it won't be long before you're called in for a discussion with and HR representative.
1.Office-Item eBay Auction: When someone asks to borrow your stapler, just let them know they'll have to participate in the auction just like everyone else.
2.Wildly Overblown Résumé Drop: Give yourself a high-ranking position, list one of your duties as "pimping" and leave copies all around the office.
3.The Fort: Turn your office space into a fort and require everyone who enters to give the "password."
4.Linux Switch: Switch all of your office's computers to the least user-friendly version of Linux you can find.
5.Copy Machine: Mess with the copy machine's settings. For instance, set it to 200 percent reduction for 15 copies.
6.Noisy Drawers: Put a button-activated toy at the back of a few select co-workers' drawers so that each time they're closed, they'll make noise.
7.Chairs: Arrive early and steal the entire office's chairs but leave your own.
8.Microwave Experiments: Conduct experiments by cooking sparkling, metallic objects or getting raw eggs to blow up. Clean up nothing.
9.New Hires: Loudly tell new hires to "run while they still can."
10.Oreos: Bring Oreos to share with the whole office, but first lick the filling out of each one and reassemble the cookies.
11.The Vending Machine: Steal from the vending machine and don't apologize.
12.Pet Snake: Set your pet snake free at work.
13.Unplug: Arrive early and unplug every monitor except yours.
14:Whoopie Cushions: Put whoopie cushions in everyone's chair.
15.Intercom Music: Play phone music over the intercom, like "Mary Had a Little Lamb." (It's 321 2333 222 333 321 2333 321 321, if you're interested..)
16.Refrigerator: Unplug the refrigerator on a Friday afternoon so that it builds up a nice stench by Monday.
17.Occupied: Make dummies with pants and feet so that it looks like there's someone in all of the bathroom stalls. Enter one and relieve yourself.
18.Office Pool: Set up a kiddie pool in your office and fill it up cup by cup from the water cooler.
19.Ice Cream: Bring ice cream to work and offer it to others. When they accept, scoop it all over their papers.
20.Pens: Steal 90 percent of the pens in your office. Cover the tips of the remaining ones with clear nail polish so that they won't write.
21.Vacation: Bring your vacation to the office, complete with beachwear and sand.
22.Note from Mom: Show up late, and when questioned, present a note from your mother.
23.Elevator Music: Change the elevator music to death metal.
24.Nap station: Set up napping pods in a heavily used conference room and charge $5 per minute.
25.The Interview: Post an ad for your job and conduct interviews for your replacement right in your office.
26.Email: Ask that your email be changed to something excessively long and complicated, like "fairy-princess-office-goddess@company.com."
27.Barbecue: Throw a barbecue in your office, complete with an indoor grill, kegs and friends from outside of work.
28.Hide Supplies: Remove the toner and paper from the printer and offer no help finding them.
29.Stuff Your Pants: Put as many socks as you can in your pants and complain at the extra attention.
30.The Pole: Tell your co-worker you wouldn't touch them with a 10-foot pole, then find a pole that's anything but 10 feet and poke them.
31.Lunch Raid: Steal everyone's lunch from the office refrigerator and eat bits and pieces of each.
32.The Band: Book an obnoxious, untalented band to play at your office.
33.Outdoor Office: Move all of your office furniture out to the parking lot, arranged exactly as it was inside.
34.Sell Everything: Bring in all of the school fundraisers you can find, especially if you have no children.
Behavior
The following behavior will slowly but surely ensure your demise.
35.Creepy: Listen to music with graphically violent lyrics, preferably about slow, painful death. 36.Madonna Obsession: Whenever possible, answer questions with Madonna lyrics, such as "because I'm a material girl." The cone bra is not optional.
37.T-Shirts: Wear offensive shirts with obnoxious slogans
38.Window: Make your own window by cutting a hole in the wall.
39.Do Nothing: Let your phone ring, ignore emails and refer all work to your boss. 40.Lie: Lie about obvious things, such as saying "I'm not here right now."
41.Christmas: Wear jingle bells every day of the year.
41.Special Brownies: Bring "special," laced brownies as a treat for your office mates, then rat them out to HR as drug abusers.
42.Tourette: Suddenly develop Tourette syndrome and blurt out inappropriate phrases about your boss and co-workers.
44.Paranoia: Act extremely paranoid: Enough said.
45.Bullhorn: Speak exclusively through a bullhorn — especially on the phone and to your boss.
46.Viruses: Repeatedly install viruses on your computer, even if the technology department gets you a new one.
47.Time Clock: Clock in, leave and come back eight hours later to clock back out.
48.Meow: See how many times you can fit the word "meow" into your sentences.
49.Never Show Up: If work calls, tell them you're sick or on vacation to score some extra paid days.
50.Run a Business: Run a business out of your office. Accept calls meet with clients and use office supplies for anything but your real job.
51.Scream: Always scream rather than speak.
52.Skepticism: Question anything anyone says with assertions like, "Says who?," "Who went and made you Einstein?" and so on.
53.No Comprende: Speak only in a foreign language. Occasionally slip by to English but refuse to acknowledge it.
54.Stinky Cheese: Eat stinky cheese or some other fragrant lunch after heating it up in the office microwave.
55.Booze: Drink on the job and offer alcohol to all of your co-workers.
56.Gangster Rap: Bring gangster rap to the office with posters, language and music.
57.Air Horn: Drown out annoying co-workers with the pleasant sound of an air horn.
58.Office Supplies: Steal all of the office supplies you can carry, in plain sight of everyone.
59.Appointments: Make appointments for days that don't exist, like February 30, or September 31.
60.Accent: Adopt a couple of foreign accents, such as Jamaican and British. Switch back and forth between the two.
61.Chew Tobacco: Chew tobacco noisily and spit in strategic places.
62.File 13: Refer to your trash can as your inbox.
63.Nonstop Email: Give everyone in the office a heads up every time you use the restroom, chat with a friend or finish an assignment.
64.Grades: Give your co-workers grades in the form of report cards, rating them on looks, stupidity and salary.
65.Email Signature: Change your email signature to something creepy or offensive, like "I will eat your flesh."
66.Spam: Spam your co-workers.
Sexual Harassment
Obviously, these methods may come attached with a lawsuit, so tread lightly.
67.Strip-Club Holiday Party: Plan your office's holiday party at the local strip club.
68.Flirtatious Emails: Send wildly inappropriate, unsolicited emails to everyone in the company.
meetings.
69.Love Notes: Send notes to everyone in the office asking, "Do you like me? Check yes or no." 70.Pornography: Get caught checking out adult Web sites on the job.
71.Impromptu Striptease: During a really important meeting, whip out a boom box and dance on the table.
72.Gifts: Give everyone lingerie or other adult gifts for the holidays.
73.Offer Services: Post flyers on the office bulletin board offering massages for a small fee.
74.Victoria's Secret: Place a heavily bookmarked lingerie catalog on the desks of colleages, whether they're female or male.
75.Screen Saver: Create an explicit screen saver.
76.Candy Bowl: Replace all of the candy in your candy bowl with condoms.
Boss Abuse
If you're leaving because you hate your boss, get revenge and fired at the same time.
77.The Jerk: Any time your boss stops by while you're on the phone, say you have to go because your jerk boss just showed up. When called on it, deny ever saying such a thing.
78.Candy from a Baby: Steal your boss's candy dish and leave a trail of candy that leads to your desk.
79.Crickets: Put an open box of crickets in your boss's office for a few weeks of constant chirping.
80.The Home Page: Constantly change your boss's home page to an adult site, then request help from IT using his or her email.
81.Phone Volume: Gradually turn down the volume on your boss's phone.
82.Magnet: "Accidentally" leave a hard-drive-wiping carpenter's magnet right next to your boss's computer.
83.Cubicle Move: While your boss is on vacation, move his or her office to a small cubicle. Then move in to his or her office.
84.Laser Pointer: Aim a laser pointer at your boss's crotch during meetings
85.Rumors: Spread creative rumors about your boss via office memos.
86.Intercom Giveaway: Get on the intercom and tell random co-workers to report to the boss's office to claim their new big-screen TV. Don't disguise your voice.
87.Superglue Mouse: Glue your boss's mouse to the desk.
88.Salty Mouse: Once your boss has recovered from the superglue incident, put salt on his or her mouse pad.
89.Nickname: Give your boss an endearing yet offensive nickname, like "Jellobutt."
90.Worship Your Boss: Greet your boss at his or her car each morning, fetch coffee and go around obsessively telling everyone how much you admire your boss.
91.Keyboard: Rearrange your boss's keyboard keys to spell out something funny or embarassing.
92.Delicious Cookies: Bring your boss some delicious cookies that will leave him or her in the bathroom all day.
93.Credit Card: Steal your boss's corporate credit card and use it on adult sites.
94.Gas: Siphon gas out of your boss's car in the parking lot, preferably at just before rush hour.
95.Chair: Tie down the adjustment lever on your boss's chair so that it will slide down when they sit and rise when they stand up.
96.Bench: Replace your boss's chair with a park bench.
97.Termination: Create a phony termination slip and leave it on your boss's desk.
98.AutoCorrect: Set your boss's AutoCorrect settings to change his or her name to an offensive slur.
99.Thinking: Change your boss's normal mouse settings to busy so that he or she will sit waiting for their computer to finish its task.
100.Parking Space: Park in your boss' space every day by "accident."
102.Garlic Phone: Put a piece of garlic in the mouthpiece of your boss's phone.
